I really should be studying right now. This seems to happen a lot where I start to study and then Jesus just captures my heart and I can't do anything but speak about it.
But lately, Jesus has really been invading my heart in a big way. I see the way He's been moving in my life in the past 3 years and how He's been tying that together for my good.
All of those times I thought my life sucked and I wasn't sure how I was going to get through it, I see now that He ultimately had a bigger plan.
For the past two years, He gave me the opportunity to work with someone I loved, doing something I loved. Now, He has gifted me the chance to do it permanantly. Two years ago, I thought I was just doing something I enjoyed. Today, I see that He was preparing my heart to take on that responsibility completely.
I see that He has been strengthening my spiritual muscles constantly. Three years ago, He let me go through something where I just wanted to give up. I thought I would never be the same from it. But I started to get better and come out stronger on the other side. About three weeks ago, I headed down that same path again, but He caught me before I fell again. I cried out to Him once more, asking why this kind of thing keeps happening to me. And He answered clearly that these situations He alowed me to walk through were ultimately preparing me for this other responsibility that I loved so dearly. He was preparing me to do work for His kingdom. So that I can speak truth and life into other people that start to struggle with the same things I did.
Sometimes I don't understand how our God can possibly work our lives out so wonderfully and have them connect so evenly. But then things like this happen and I see it all laid out and I'm amazed by His faithfulness. I'm amazed by his grace and his love and his mercy and I know that He loves seeing me happy. I know that when we rejoice, He rejoices with us. He loves gifting us and honoring us.
And all of this happened because I dared to say YES to Jesus.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
Vulnerability
My verse this week is 2 Corinthians 10:5 and I think it's very fitting.
It says "And we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ."
Jesus, there's been so much on my mind that I'm having to sort through each one and make it obedient to you. It's the first day of the semester and I'm already overwhelmed, not just with school. And it seems ridiculous because I can handle this. I really can. But I start to panic a little now and then.
And here's the conclusion I've just come to:
I've been made to grow up strong. I've been made to be the responsible one. I've been made to be the one who can handle whatever comes my way.
So sometimes I don't know how to REALLY feel because I had to block things out, or put up walls, when I was growing up. I was made to mature faster because of the circumstances in my life.
When something or someone starts to break down my walls, I get panicked. Because it's not safe. I'm not safe.
And that needs to change. I need to be vulnerable now and then. I need a healthy balance of emotions.
And the reality of the situation is that I CAN overcome all of this. In the long run, this isn't that overwhelming. But in the moment, sometimes I need to be broken down to see that I literally can't do it on my own and I need you to take control. I need to be humbled time and time again to realize that your plans for me are better than my own. That you want to take my struggles so that I don't always have to be strong.
So I think at this point, the thoughts that I take captive and bring to you to be made obedient need to be completely honest and vulnerable.
Keep me immune to anything that isn't your will.
It says "And we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ."
Jesus, there's been so much on my mind that I'm having to sort through each one and make it obedient to you. It's the first day of the semester and I'm already overwhelmed, not just with school. And it seems ridiculous because I can handle this. I really can. But I start to panic a little now and then.
And here's the conclusion I've just come to:
I've been made to grow up strong. I've been made to be the responsible one. I've been made to be the one who can handle whatever comes my way.
So sometimes I don't know how to REALLY feel because I had to block things out, or put up walls, when I was growing up. I was made to mature faster because of the circumstances in my life.
When something or someone starts to break down my walls, I get panicked. Because it's not safe. I'm not safe.
And that needs to change. I need to be vulnerable now and then. I need a healthy balance of emotions.
And the reality of the situation is that I CAN overcome all of this. In the long run, this isn't that overwhelming. But in the moment, sometimes I need to be broken down to see that I literally can't do it on my own and I need you to take control. I need to be humbled time and time again to realize that your plans for me are better than my own. That you want to take my struggles so that I don't always have to be strong.
So I think at this point, the thoughts that I take captive and bring to you to be made obedient need to be completely honest and vulnerable.
Keep me immune to anything that isn't your will.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Learning Experiences
If we're being honest, I really should be sleeping right now considering I must wake up in 7.5 hours. But then again my sleep pattern has been disrupted one too many times since I've been sick so I'm not concerned.
I have learned far more these past two weeks of Christmas break then I ever thought was possible. Jesus has showed up in the good and the bad and all of it has been for his glory. There's almost too much that has happened to summarize in one post and I should've been keeping this updated, but my busy schedule has gotten the best of me. And come to think of it, some of the things that I've learned this week, I still want to keep close to the vest for a while and I'm not ready for the whole world to know everything yet. It's still between me and Jesus at this point.
But generally over the past two weeks I have learned:
-God doesn't do anything accidentally.
-The mistakes we make are always learning experiences.
-If we didn't make mistakes, we wouldn't grow.
-Confrontation is hard but worth it in the end.
-Confrontation can and should be said in love.
-When we delight ourselves in the Lord, He gives us the desires of our hearts.
-When we obey Him, he honors that.
What I AM learning:
-Patience is not just a small part of being a follower of Jesus....it's the majority of being a follower of Jesus and it will be worth it in the end.
-God has a plan for my life...the BEST actually.
-God will work all things together for my good even if I seemingly screw them up in the moment.
-A lot of the desires of our hearts are the ones that we keep buried the deepest because we're afraid of losing them or screwing them up. The ones we aren't as thrilled about are the ones that we tend to tell the world.
-God is using me right where I am.
-I need to finish what I've started and God will continue to lead me once I do that.
These are just some examples of what's been going on in my head and the results of the meetings I've been having with God over the past two weeks. He's really creating a big work in me and I intend to be a fully different person by this time next year. Something big is coming and I know that God has me playing a large role in that as well.
So excited to see what God is coming with this year.
Be Love. Be Jesus.
I have learned far more these past two weeks of Christmas break then I ever thought was possible. Jesus has showed up in the good and the bad and all of it has been for his glory. There's almost too much that has happened to summarize in one post and I should've been keeping this updated, but my busy schedule has gotten the best of me. And come to think of it, some of the things that I've learned this week, I still want to keep close to the vest for a while and I'm not ready for the whole world to know everything yet. It's still between me and Jesus at this point.
But generally over the past two weeks I have learned:
-God doesn't do anything accidentally.
-The mistakes we make are always learning experiences.
-If we didn't make mistakes, we wouldn't grow.
-Confrontation is hard but worth it in the end.
-Confrontation can and should be said in love.
-When we delight ourselves in the Lord, He gives us the desires of our hearts.
-When we obey Him, he honors that.
What I AM learning:
-Patience is not just a small part of being a follower of Jesus....it's the majority of being a follower of Jesus and it will be worth it in the end.
-God has a plan for my life...the BEST actually.
-God will work all things together for my good even if I seemingly screw them up in the moment.
-A lot of the desires of our hearts are the ones that we keep buried the deepest because we're afraid of losing them or screwing them up. The ones we aren't as thrilled about are the ones that we tend to tell the world.
-God is using me right where I am.
-I need to finish what I've started and God will continue to lead me once I do that.
These are just some examples of what's been going on in my head and the results of the meetings I've been having with God over the past two weeks. He's really creating a big work in me and I intend to be a fully different person by this time next year. Something big is coming and I know that God has me playing a large role in that as well.
So excited to see what God is coming with this year.
Be Love. Be Jesus.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Terrified
Jesus.
I thought I was totally okay with this. I was confident. I was convinced that it would be great no matter what.
Now I'm scared. I'm terrified, Jesus, and it isn't even certain yet.
You know my heart. You know I'm willing to whatever it takes to follow you and I'm willing to go wherever and do whatever.
But just know that if that's what you're calling me to, then I'm terrified.
I won't lie.
I'm scared to death.
But I know that you can do immeasureably more with this than I could ever imagine.
And I don't want to be scared of the unknown or what might be.
Jesus, I need you to help the part of me that doesn't believe that it will be okay.
You know me. You know that I don't do gray areas. I'm very "black and white". Jesus, I need you to speak clear truth into what you're calling me toward.
Because I will drop everything for whatever it is. You know that. No matter how scared I am, I will do it for you.
I thought I was totally okay with this. I was confident. I was convinced that it would be great no matter what.
Now I'm scared. I'm terrified, Jesus, and it isn't even certain yet.
You know my heart. You know I'm willing to whatever it takes to follow you and I'm willing to go wherever and do whatever.
But just know that if that's what you're calling me to, then I'm terrified.
I won't lie.
I'm scared to death.
But I know that you can do immeasureably more with this than I could ever imagine.
And I don't want to be scared of the unknown or what might be.
Jesus, I need you to help the part of me that doesn't believe that it will be okay.
You know me. You know that I don't do gray areas. I'm very "black and white". Jesus, I need you to speak clear truth into what you're calling me toward.
Because I will drop everything for whatever it is. You know that. No matter how scared I am, I will do it for you.
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